Donald Trump announces his campaign an April Fools prank.
Trump Annouces Campaign an Elaborate April Fools Prank
WASHINGTON, DC (April 1, 2016) - In an exclusive interview Saturday Trump announced his campaign has always been an elaborate April Fools prank on the GOP. Trump said his intention was to "parody the crazy shit other GOP candidates were saying.” Apparently, his hope was to point out that the GOP front runners were all “one card shy of a full Trump Casino deck of cards…you know, nucking futs!” It seems he misjudged his audience
Trump stated he never expected his crazy policy statements would actually be taken seriously by the public. "What sane person would agree with the crap I've been putting out there?" noted Trump. "I mean, when I said I intend to build a huge wall to ‘greatly strengthen our border, making it impenetrable, putting a stop to illegal immigration once and for all' did people actually forget about all the tunnels under the wall? I think Ted Cruz said something about building a wall to the center of the earth, but I think his head was in his ass, so he was disoriented and mistook up for down.”
Of his many past misogynistic statements, Trump stated he is actually a strong supporter of women’s rights, noting “If I actually believed any of that stuff, my wife and daughter would kick my ass. I mean, look at them (well I don’t actually look at my daughter all that closely because that would be a little perverted), they’re real scary looking and I’d hate to end up with one of their stilettos in my eye socket.” Further explaining himself, “Remember, I was actually for abortion before I was against it.”
It is well known that Trump has no speech writer, but Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski has admitted contributing a large amount of vacuous non-content to Trump’s speeches. In a separate interview, Lewandowski hilariously related Trump’s policy statement on health care reform: “I would end Obamacare and replace it with something terrific, for far less money.” Lewandowski revealed “We spent weeks refining this policy statement until there was absolutely no hint of any substance. I’m proud to say that I have worked very hard to insure Mr. Trump’s speeches reflect his total lack of policy preparedness.”
Lewandowski also released internal strategy documents from the early part of the campaign, what amounts to a detailed plan for Trump to sound bat-shit crazy. According to Lewandowski, he told Trump not to do any reading or thinking about policy. Instead, at press conferences, speeches and debates, he instructed Trump to say whatever nutty, racist, or misogynistic things happened to come to mind first. And under no terms is he ever to reflect on or apologize for anything he says, but instead he should attack anybody who questions him.
Trump stated in his interview that he came up with the idea of ridiculing a disabled journalist and berating the physical appearance of women. “How could anybody want to vote for me after I mocked a disabled person, criticized the appearance of both Jeb Bush’s and Ted Cruz’ wives, and suggested no one should vote for Carly Fiorina because she’s ugly. But my wife and daughter are actually hotter.” Trump also stated he came up with the idea to attack anyone who asks him a question that requires thinking. “I’m especially proud of the phrase: ‘She’s a really bad person, you know really, really bad.’” For no apparent reason, Trump also stated for the record “It is not possible to rape your own wife.”
Trump’s campaign manager explained they want Trump to sound like he never actually has informed thoughts. However, Trump revealed in his interview that he felt his staff made him sound so imbecilic he was afraid “no one would believe a politician could be that shallow and bird-brained.” So he occasionally sticks something substantive into his speeches, like his immigration policy: “let’s build that wall, right! And we’ll make Mexico pay for it!”
However, Lewandowski admitted they clearly underestimated Trump’s ability to induce mass psychogenic illness. “Perhaps Donald has a future career in a circus sideshow, or he could play the role of Professor Boyd in the remaking of the classic movie, Bedtime for Bonzo.” Trump’s announcement today indicates his campaign decided the prank has gone too far. Lewandowski wistfully stated “I guess the April Fools joke is on us, since the GOP seems to actually want a fool to be president.”